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How to Avoid Nasty Arguments
All couples have problems, and all couples experience moments of disagreement. If you have ever been in a relationship, this is not news to you. As couple therapist Daniel Wile has commented, choosing a partner means choosing a particular set of problems—only some of which are resolvable. It can be tempting to think that if only you were in a relationship with someone else, you wouldn’t have any problems or arguments. Not true! Arguments are a normal aspect of all relationships. The trick is to learn how to deal effectively with disagreements and to live with and accept basic personality differences. Below are some suggestions.
1. Get buy-in for serious conversations.
One of the most important basic rules for initiating a potentially difficult conversation is to get buy-in from your partner. Just as you make love when both of you are in the mood, it helps to embark on a serious conversation when you are both in the right frame of mind.
Getting buy-in goes something like this:
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Partner A: “I’d like to talk to you about something (fill in the blank)—would now be a good time?”
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Partner B: “Sure. What is it?” OR
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Partner B: “Now isn’t a good time for me—how about … (fill in the blank: after dinner, in a few hours, tomorrow, this weekend, etc.—ideally within the next 24-48 hours and not next Thanksgiving!).”
2. Avoid initiating conversations during typical moments of human vulnerability.
There are certain common times when people are not at their best for optimal thinking, listening, and problem-solving. It is a good idea to avoid initiating conversations: when either one of you is tired, hungry, or already angry or irritable. Typically, this means choosing times to seek buy-in that are NOT: just after one of you has walked in the door from work; late at night or right before (or in!) bed; before a meal; after a stressful event; in the presence of children, friends, or family members; or when one or both of you is under the influence of alcohol.
3. Express concerns or complaints and make requests without blame or criticism.
It is normal to encounter frustration with your partner when they do something you don’t like or fail to do something you would like. It is important to communicate concerns, complaints, and requests clearly and directly. It is equally important to avoid blaming and criticizing to maximize the chance of being heard and getting a positive response—rather than a defensive or counter-blaming one. (Remember: criticism and defensiveness are two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to avoid. See previous column “Couple Communication 101.”)
How To…
Avoid criticism and blame: Your best bet, in general, is to avoid starting sentences with “you” or “why” when you are upset with your partner. Especially avoid using the phrases “you always,” “you never,” or “why did/didn’t you,” which almost always introduce criticism and blame. Those phrases typically set the frame that you are right and there is something wrong with your partner.
Instead, switch to complaints and requests: Work on starting your sentences with, “I,” and name as succinctly as possible what you feel and what you want. The following format can be helpful: “I don’t like it when you (fill in the blank). I would like it if you would (fill in the blank).” For example, “I don’t like it when you are late for dinner without calling me. I would like it if you would call to let me know if you will be late.” Or another example: “I get really frustrated when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. Would you/I would like it if you would put your dirty clothes in the clothes hamper.”
Complaints and requests are generally easier to hear and respond to positively than criticism and blame (such as, “You are always late to dinner. You are so inconsiderate and selfish!” or “You always leave your clothes around the house. You are such a slob!”), which generally feel bad and evoke defensiveness or counter-attacks—not getting needs met.
4. Take time outs.
One of the best ways to avoid escalation of a difficult conversation into a nasty argument or fight is to take a time out. When one or both of you begins to get overwhelmed during the conversation, chances are good that the Four Horsemen are going to ride in and lasso you into criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt. Before you reach the point of name calling, meanness, “shutting down,” yelling, or leaving—call a time out. Here’s how it works:
Ground Rules for Calling a Time Out:
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Either partner can call a time out at any time—for herself/himself. (Do not say the other person needs a time out – remember that you are both adults.)
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Once a time out is called, it trumps everything—no more talking from either of you, starting at that moment. No last words, or final digs. No chasing your partner to continue the conversation. The conversation is over—for now.
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If possible, go to separate rooms during the time out.
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The time out lasts 30 minutes, during which each of you intentionally tries to self-soothe (calm down)—do deep breathing, read a magazine, take a walk.
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At the end of the 30 minutes, whoever called the time out returns to the other partner EITHER to resume the conversation OR for either partner to request more time (repeat 2-5).
5. Self-soothe: calm down or reduce tension.
When you feel yourself beginning to get over-heated in a discussion, it is a good time to call a time out (see above), to work on calming yourself down, to try to soothe your partner, or to defuse the tension. For example, to calm yourself you can: pause to take several deep-in-the-belly breaths or count to ten. To soothe your partner you can: offer a compliment; attempt to make gentle physical contact; or use a personal term of endearment. To reduce the tension you can: temporarily change the subject to something more innocuous or insert some humor: say something humorous, make a funny face, or use a silly accent.
6. Develop a sense of humor or level of acceptance.
Here’s the potentially bad news: People’s basic personalities do not change. The good news: those same personality traits that drive you crazy about your partner are probably the underbelly of what drew you to your partner in the first place—and what you still love. The “laziness” or “nonchalance” you sometimes see is the flip side of the “relaxed” and “easy-going” person you fell in love with. The “obsessive” and “relentless” traits of your partner are the other side of the “disciplined” and “assertive” qualities you once found so attractive. “Immaturity” and “irresponsibility” are the shadow side of “fun-loving” and “spontaneous.”
Remember: if you weren’t facing the particular set of problems and disagreements with this partner, you would trade them for an entirely different repertoire of issues with a different partner.
Links to most recent columns:
Couple Communication 101
Rx Exercise
To Bed Perchance to Sleep
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